How do you know when you have come to a point in your life when you say “enough is enough” or when you can say that you have given it everything you have to give, to the point that you feel like you have nothing else to give? I feel like someone is giving me an Indian burn and I am fucking screaming uncle and they just won’t quit.
I can tell you that I have given it more than the ol’college try. I have read books, went to counseling, therapy, sought advice. You name it, I have done it. I have exhausted all of my options, explored every choice, given in to every demand and desire with such determination, that I have completely forgotten about myself. What MY likes, needs, wants, desires and decision are. This may sound very selfish and I understand that. But its time for a much needed change. When will this “change” happen?
My marriage vows say “I do take you, to be my lawfully wedded. From this day forward, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part. To this I pledge my love, my faithfulness, and my devotion. I will do all that I can to keep our marriage strong and happy and alive with possibilities.”
I know the vow I took. I fucking said them. I can guarantee that I have done all that I can to keep this vow. But what happens when the other half isn’t living up to their half of the deal? Then, what?
I know that I am
almost not perfect. I will never claim that I am. No one is, you learn from your mistakes and move on. It’s not a simple concept for some to understand.
So where do I begin telling my story? From the beginning of course. The beginning of the end, which was almost 2 years ago. I should have seen the big, red, flashing “WARNING” signs earlier in the relationship but I didn’t. Even the little things. If I was a little bit smarter then, I wouldn’t be here now. I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to be the person it has made me today. I am thankful for that. I truly am.
“Your crazy and you need to see a doctor”. I am not crazy. The way that I feel isn’t irrational. This is how I feel and don’t tell me that I am wrong. Your feelings are not wrong. How could that possibly even be. You cannot help how you feel. You can certainly change how you feel about something but its not like a light switch that just changes on and off.
“You make me feel so unloved.” You cannot take those words, I have already said, and use them as your own. ESPECIALLY if it something silly as me not answering the telephone. I was in the middle of dinner with a girlfriend and I really thought that would have been just a slight bit rude.
“I am the one out of town, answer my calls.” How the fuck does it feel? When I am in the middle of a mental breakdown from I don’t know… maybe the stress of working, raising 2 kids, caring for 2 dogs, doing all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, homework, bathtime, bedtime stories, and the list keeps going, how about you answer my calls? I don’t care if you are having drinks with your guys.
“Your home, I’m not.” I know I am home. Let me remind you of the opportunity that you had to be home. The local job that the office asked you to come home and do? The one that you refused to do? Why did you refuse? Because of a really stupid reason. You missed the opportunity to be home with your family for 4 weeks. All the while, you say how much you hate being out of town, you miss our family, you just want to come home. Shut the fuck up. REALLY. Shut the fuck up.
“I love you.” I love you too. But actions speak louder than words. You can tell me you love me all you want but you need to show it. I can honestly say that I love you but I am not “in love”” with you. It is sad to say that I have fallen out of love with you.
A marriage is about making decisions together. On everything. Yeah, even down to what kind of toilet paper to buy. You don’t get to decide to spend $5,000 on a car that you had in high school, or $4,000 on a snowmobile. If it’s going to be a large purchase that going to significantly effect our bank account. Let’s discuss it. If you want to move out of state, on some ridiculous notion that your starting a new career. Maybe, we should discuss that first and don’t expect me to start packing up the house right away.
Your may be asking, have you told him any of this? I have, multiple times. Many times, many different ways, for almost 2 years. I almost hired a plane to write in in the sky.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. It gets even better… or worse, depending on how you look at it. I’ll keep going. There is so much I need to vent about. I just need to get it all out there before I make a decision. If you think this is wrong, blasting my husband here, then by all means stop fucking reading. Keep in mind, that this is my blog and I will feel free to write whatever I want. That is your decision to stop or keep going.